Alright, 3/4 of the month has passed and that means it's time to publish the simple story of the month... And what a simple story: "The night club"! A couple of detectives investigate disappearances and that takes them to a mysterious place... I hope you like it because I loved making this story! Especially for small details that you will see in the course of it...

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I have some serious issues with the setup for this story. First off, Maria's rationale for her suspicions is ridiculous. 'The missing girls were known to be in roughly the same area as this new strip club when they disappeared'? By that logic, every new apartment tenant and business owner in a three to four block radius should have been a suspect, not to mention any loitering trucks or vans spotted in the vicinity. If you want to use this as a starting point, you at least have to say there were eyewitnesses who saw the girls go into the club before they disappeared or something. Without that, this is just meaningless conjecture. Second, are we really supposed to believe Maria went to the strip club to investigate the case WITHOUT TELLING HER SUPERIOR OFFICER? I'm not a cop, but I'm pretty sure police officers don't waltz into the suspected (for some reason) den of a kidnapping operation, undercover or not, without receiving some kind of approval from someone higher up, if for no other reason than TO AVOID THIS EXACT SITUATION. Third, why does Keya not tell the captain that Maria was looking into the strip club?! There's no justification for why she doesn't mention her friend's suspicions about the club (nonsensical as they are), and considering she's speaking to a superior officer about a fellow officer who has been missing for a week, it makes zero sense for her to not disclose anything that might be relevant. Also, why is declaring the officer missing treated as a bad thing? If no one has heard from her in a week, then that's exactly what should be done, particularly if the individual who's disappeared was working on a missing person's case! This also begs the question "why the hell would no one in the freakin' police department send someone to Keya's apartment IMMEDIATELY once she didn't show up for work, considering that would make her the SECOND police officer to vanish while working on the same missing persons case?"! FOURTH, no self-respecting police captain would reassign a missing persons case to the friend of an officer who went missing working on said case. This is like basic cop-story 101: you don't put an officer on a case if they are emotionally attached to the investigation. F I F T H, when Keya thinks to herself "I won't tell you what Maria thought about that club... I'd rather see it by myself..."... WHY!?!? You can't just have a character think some random bs like that without justifying their thinking! Even if its just as stupid as the rest of this, these are our main character's internal thoughts, meaning she has to have some kind of internal rationalization for why she's choosing not to disclose this info to her Captain when all logic and common sense suggests that is EXACTLY what she should do!
I try to give a lot of leeway to stories like this when it comes to their setups, since a certain amount of suspension of disbelief is often a prerequisite for the scenarios involved and the (often irrational) decisions being made by the characters, but this one asks too much of its readers in this regard. This is unfortunate, not only because the rest of the story is well written and well paced, but because NONE OF THIS WAS NECESSARY TO BEGIN WITH! All you had to do was just start with Keya sneaking into the club to try to find out what happened to her missing friend. She didn't even need to be a cop, just a concerned friend who decided to do something stupid in a commendable but clearly misguided attempt to help out. If none of the useless exposition is included, then it can't damage the story, and nothing is lost as a result.
"But what about the captain" you ask? Isn't all that story-breaking exposition necessary to introduce her so she can become the bonus victim at the end of the story? OF COURSE NOT! There are plenty of ways to introduce her that don't break the story before its gotten going. Just as one example, the captain could be the one who informs Keya that Maria disappeared while working on a missing person's case, prompting Keya to remember her friend saying something about investigating the strip club, which could then lead to her making all the same bad decisions she does in the actual story. See? Everything that's needed is still in place, and I didn't need to bend over backwards to make it work.
Overall, I think this could have been one of gabrielLM180's better one-shots, with its well-structured, gradual corruption of the lead character being the best I think I've seen in any of this creator's standalone works. Unfortunately, the setup ruined this story for me, and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not the only reader who feels this way.

Last edited on 22 June 2024, 13:22.

Base +15, unicron9999 -6, Snariaz -6

Comics is well done, models are beautiful, corruption sequence is enjoyable. What does not sit well with me is Identity erasure. Corrupting someone into slut or sex slave is one thing , but erasing everything else is just waste. As if you peel apple skin and trows away apple. And it is shame, because otherwise it was excellent corruption.

Base +6

Keya introduces herself to Wine as "Tela" but then Vodka calls her Keya. I guess I can't 100% rule out the idea that this is intentional foreshadowing that Wine knows who she really is, but it really just reads like a careless error.

Base +7