First translation attempt, critique welcome.

For starters, you should align the text to the center. If you have to use vertical text for anything. make sure the ellipses also follow suit and don't appear horizontally (check the top left of page 4; that's wrong). Your redrawing can use some work too, but no one starts good at that. Other than that, you need basic typesetting skills like font selection, size, and centering.

Your English is good, though, and the translation looks accurate. As far as a first attempt goes, it's passable; I've seen much worse.

Base +24, Hupplez +11, Vanilla Cream +7, Auvrith +6, Kneekicker +6, minkx +6, BonoBono08 +6, Onthorm +7, icedhail +8, Kahv1pannu +6, kondoriyano +6, kamisking +6, purrant +6, and 18 more...

And that is why Liz is the best.

Base +7, phire +6, -XeoN- +6, BonoBono08 +6, Chapell +6, huaidanaxin +6, ApoAtorvA +5, kamisking +6, matthew0xff +6, purrant +6, Ethereal12 +6, Phantombet3 +6, midorikasa +5, and 19 more...

Need more Shuten. And entire Gorgon family in an orgy. No problems with translation.

Base +9, purrant +6, Ethereal12 +6, Darknessend +6, Person8 +7

Appreciate more Liz shes really good.

Base +6, phire +6, Cressent67 +7, purrant +6, Ethereal12 +6, midorikasa +5, void-stealer +6, Scorps283 +5, Ost666 +6, IncognitoMaud +6, Squidy +9, somefag420 +6, Darknessend +6, and 2 more...

Needs more Atalanta

Base +12, Cressent67 +7, Ethereal12 +6, moemoeko +6, lamariposaroja +6, tj911 +4, Silver_Kirin +6, OngKhan +12, Overlol +6, Yesman71 +9, Darknessend +6, cokerpilot +8, vsgunner17 +10, and 6 more...

I nutted again, thanks.

Base +6, Darknessend +6, GunmanRex +5

thanks for translation

Base +18, minkx +6, purrant +6, Scorps283 +5, GunmanRex +5

Liz Love!...

Base +7, Ethereal12 +6, Phantombet3 +6, midorikasa +5, RedGryphon0 +6, Kiritsugu-san +7, IncognitoMaud +6, sssssiggi +5, GunmanRex +5, Chilean_Guy +6, Tsutiya +6, Whitu Piggu +7, MowCT +4, and 2 more...

umm liz his command seal are already out which mean...

Base +7, Yesman71 -9, GunmanRex -5, RefinedFapper -6, Luc3at3i5 -7

shotacon??

Base +6, rexxrexrex +13, jindoko90 +6, chibidw +6, xoril +7, GhostStalker +8, Vanndril +8, Yesman71 +9, abadullan +6, Doutey +9, GunmanRex +5, squirrely-sama +6, Daddyfatsack +6

Nice. Thanks for the TL.
Had no hope for this one but always wanted it.

Base +6, purrant +6, Scorps283 +5, Yesman71 +9

> Shotacon
what where? o_o

Base +6, chibidw +6, xoril +7, GhostStalker +8, Vanndril +8, sgc_geh +9, q91 +16, daicalun07 +6, FMoonedge +6, pindusa +6, IncognitoMaud +6, Doutey +9, blunt005 +6, and 5 more...

@theterribler
You need to decide on either Atalanta or Atalante, but not both.

Either than that, like Vilis said it's more a matter of your editing skills. Not bad for a first attempt though, there's much worse out there by people who've been doing this for years.

EDIT: I just noticed, 120 MB might be kinda big for 30 pages. I don't know much about that, but you might want to ask around for how to reduce filesize without compromising too much on image quality.

Base +12, scalarmotion +6, archeisse +8, RefinedFapper +6

Pretty good for a first attempt, thanks for the translation. Also, a translated doujin with Suzuka in it, what a rarity.

Base +10

Of course an Atalanta doujin happens during no nut, oh boy.

Base +7, Träumerei +6, Kneekicker +6, tj911 +4, ChaseRaph69 +2, Daddyfatsack +6

What a great use of command seals!
I'd love to bone some cute 4-stars!
Extra kudos that some of the girls in this don't get a lot of attention.
Especially when they deserve it.
This is a good translation for a quality doujin!
BLESS you for this, theterribler!

Base +6, Kneekicker +6, tj911 -4, ChaseRaph69 +2

RAW /g/1182180/ed15d5bf4c/

What Villis said. You can get editing tips in the forums, or just use a bounty system to get editors. You can work with EHCOVE on a TL for edit basis too, or something like that.

Nice choice of a TL, this was on our to-do list.

Base +55, Megaton +39, Vanilla Cream +7, GunmanRex +5, -Revan- +12, Chilean_Guy +6

Thanks for the comments and pointers, hadn't even considered center justification and I thought I'd already fixed the Atalanta/e thing. I know my typesetting/cleaning isn't amazing, though in retrospect I could've saved a lot of cleaning work and had a better looking product by just using the shade of grey already in the textboxes rather than white.

(also yeah ngl the Liz segment was like 90% of the motivation for this, not that the others don't deserve love)

Base +6, midorikasa +5, GunmanRex +5

I'm almost horny enough to start playing a stupid fucking mobile game.

But no, not quite there yet.

Base +6, Overlol -6, tj911 +4, sssssiggi +5, Forestman +6, disposable.respect +6, GunmanRex -5, DarkCocoon -6

I'm gonna marry this lizard!

Base +6, GunmanRex +5

> Page 27

Someone just took a Fus Ro Dah to the face. Rip Master, we'll miss you.

Base +28, AncientPhoenix +7, Chilean_Guy +6